“To be a witness does not consist in engaging in propaganda nor even in stirring people up, but in being a living mystery. It means to live in such a way that one’s life would not make sense if God did not exist.” Cardinal Suhard.
Read this last night in a Eugene Peterson book (love him). Went to bed chewing on it.
Then I woke up this morning, and the lesson in our morning study we are doing with our teenager was all about Faith (We are going through Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby)… Here were the main points:
- Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see (Heb. 11:1)
- Living by faith and not by sight ((2 Cor. 5:7)
- Not big faith, only a big God, faith the size of a mustard seed is sufficient (Matt. 17:20-21)
- Doing only what I see my Father doing, joining Him, not needing to come up with it all on my own… (John 8:28)
- Relying not on wisdom of man, but on the power of the Holy Spirit…(1 Cor. 2:4-5)
So I am asking myself… Am I walking on the water with my eyes fixed on Jesus? A living mystery? Does my life only make sense if God exists?
Two years ago, I felt God asking me to begin a huge writing project, a book in fact. I argued back and forth with him about the overwhelming nature of a project such as this… especially given my inadequacy and my concurrent call to homeschool my girls… but I stepped onto the water and followed Him. As I did, various opportunities arose to get times away to write without neglecting the girls’ homeschooling.
At first, I thought I would write a series of blog posts and maybe even try to get a series of articles published in a magazine, but the more I prayed and wrote, the more it became clear that a book it was to be. However, in the last two years, as I have been walking with Jesus in writing a book, the publishing of books by publishing houses has continued to dive. In fact, self-publishing is fast becoming mainstream.
Two years ago, I also felt that God wanted me to let go of my blog and trust solely in Him and the people that he put in my day to day, face to face life. This was a frightening thing. And yet, as I have taken the time to write this book, I have seen his faithfulness to me from a different perspective. The last few years have been full of growth spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Much of this has come from places of experiencing my deep brokenness and surrendering to the Lord and the community He has placed me in.
Embracing Life is not as simple as it sounds. To embrace the life He has for us means a lot of letting go of the life we thought we wanted for ourselves and the ways we were used to living. It is a process I am still pursuing. However, in the publishing world, letting go of the blog was not “smart” at all and will make it basically impossible to “sell” my book to a publisher as I have no audience of my own potential buyers.
So where am I going with all of this? Well, I have finally finished writing the book.
And, it won’t make any sense to have done it if God does not exist.
A few weeks ago, when faced with the realities of the impossibility of getting this book published, I started to feel myself sinking. But then I felt Jesus gently lift up my chin and quietly remind me to keep my eyes fixed on Him. Yes, we were still walking on the water, and I like Peter had been looking down at the water instead of at Him. If He has initiated and led this process all along, then He will be faithful to bring it to completion, for His purposes.
I released a few tears, and then went to ask for prayer. I risked the vulnerability of asking a flesh and blood person who had extended a general offer to pray for any of the women at the training for writers and speakers I was a part of that weekend. The short story of my asking her for prayer is that my manuscript is now in the hands of a professional editor and my confidence in the Lord’s orchestration is back.
I cannot even imagine the next step in this process. He has provided a first editor and I am eagerly waiting to get it back so I can begin working on the rewrite. But then what? This editor does not work with a publishing house that would ever be a fit for the book I have written. And yet, I have faith that the impossibility of it all will just be further proof that God exists.
This book is about God’s overriding faithfulness and how I have seen Him work healing in my own life through the past ten years of traumatic experiences. It is also about the risky life of faith I have dared to live in response to the faithfulness of God I had read about in scripture and witnessed in the lives of others.
One of the most daring risks I have taken is to walk with Jesus into the practice of Yoga. What? you might ask? Jesus and yoga? Surprisingly YES… but you will have to wait for my book to be published to read all about it. I’ve been practicing for over four years now, and am currently smack dab in the middle of an instructor training program so I can give away the gift Jesus has given me through this practice. I hope to teach Holy Yoga classes in my area soon…
I can hardly wait to share my book, and my Christ-centered yoga practice with you…
God … This book … My life… A living mystery.